Chloe

18th August, 1987

I look at these girls everyday, and I can't help but feel brought down by such beauty. There is nothing about me that would bring me to hollywood, or get any man drooling. I'm nineteen, and I feel bruised.
My twenty-three year old sister is a model for Geoffrey Campbell and every night she sleeps, I look at her and wonder how God can send such beauty to a person, it's almost a sin. It's a big disappointment when someone asks you, "What is the thing you like most about yourself?" and you can't answer the question because there's nothing at all that you like. She is wonderful, almost perfect, and I want to be wonderful too, then I can start making real friends and start on my search for love. This is my journey to being wonderful.

Things to perfect: my overweight self, wear makeup more often to cover up all the scars that have been carved onto me, my gross red hair, and my lack of talent in anything.
I want to be wonderful. I can't wait to be wonderful.


5th October, 1987

I have been bewildered by how pathetic life can get for me, at times I do feel that the gates of change were already closed long before I realised. The ghost of my flaws crawls on my skin, and they feel terrifying. But now I am well convinced that I live, for a reason.

Anthony was equivalent to any other male specie that I have met, but he has changed some part of my life I didn't think anyone at all could alter. His eyes saw an angel of beauty, like Cleopatra. He saw what I didn't think anyone could see.
"You have such a beautiful soul." He whispered in my ear. But his force and words weren't strong enough to convince me of so. I haven't become wonderful, but a guy came into my life and there was nothing much I could do about it. He lifted my spirits during times I feel low, but the effect wasn't permanent. Sadly, he didn't know what hid beneath all these layers of makeup caked over my face, and the corset I wear underneath every blouse, and my false interest in art. It's just an ugly, fat girl who snuggles in bed reads novels about love that can never come true for her, everyday.

I'm not wonderful yet. But I want to be.